The Phone Call

I can see clearly now

So you called me  and I wondered to myself why I bothered to answer the phone after years away from you. Little did I know you called to give me a gift. Actually you asked me to dinner, which I found odd. But in the course of the conversation you told me I was a liar and told me to “believe what you want”. I’m not a liar and yes, I do believe what I want, obviously. So thank you for your astute observations. When I ask you not to call me a liar, you tell me that you’re entitled to your opinion and your “feelings”. I ask you again not to call me a liar. You continue to do it anyway. I ask why you’d want to have dinner with someone you believe is a liar and who has no respect for your “feelings” and you tell me it’s  because you still love me and you always will.

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. Hot damn. Bless your sweet heart for showing me what “real love” is. (That’s sarcasm)

Somehow the conversation diverges without me hanging up on you (a miracle in itself)  and I ask how your dear uncle is since I know his health has been poor. You tell me that he’s doing OK but that you won’t be sad when he dies but your dad will be. Wow. Your sensitivity blows me away. This is the man who, back in the day, you told stories about how great he was when you were a kid and took care of you when your parents had to work. Your uncle told me stories about how much he loved you like you were his own child….and how much he did to make your life happy since your childhood had some rough spots. Now I understand your insensitivity when people in my life passed away. The only death you fear or will mourn will be your own.

Although I wasn’t technically looking into your eyes, metaphorically I did that day. And after years of trying to understand just exactly who and what you are, I finally saw it. I (metaphorically) looked into your eyes and I saw a dark hole. There was nothing there. I saw no light. I saw no love. I saw no compassion. I saw nothing. I saw a frightening emptiness. In that moment, I realized that you never loved me and you never would because you simply did not have the capacity to feel.I’m not sure you’ve ever loved anyone except for your own self perceived greatness.  It must be a sad way to live but I don’t feel sad for you, I feel free. I feel free to finally understand that you don’t feel remorse over destroying someone’s life. You don’t feel remorse for name calling  (too many name calling episodes to count). You don’t find it abnormal to call me  several years later and STILL call me a liar and then ask me to dinner. And you can’t even “pretend” to feel sad over the impending death of a “loved” family member.

Seriously, who does shit like this?

So thank you, for this unexpected gift…….and although I cursed myself at first for answering the telephone when it was you, (maybe I thought you had changed), you showed me that you hadn’t changed a bit. And you let me gaze into your eyes and as I listened to you with total detachment, I actually HEARD you, for the first time. I didn’t hear what I “wanted” to hear. I didn’t “hear” what I have always wanted desperately to believe. I heard what you said. I heard what you are. And I saw the blackness in your eyes. The emptiness. The incapacity to feel. The endless dark hole.

And finally I understood. And with this understanding comes blessed relief, and finally, closure.

With clear sight,

Olivia

https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Journey-of-Olivia-Rose/1632375906981319

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The Sociopath and Your Former Friends

it is your fault

It’s been quite the journey and it’s time to start sharing it. I have been so helped my so many other women who have shared their stories about their experiences with a sociopath or narcissist. Their stories have helped me to know that I have not been crazy in what I was dealing with. (If you don’t understand what’s going on, it’s beyond confusing, and the narcissist/sociopath wants you to think that you ARE crazy.)

After several years away from him, pieces of the puzzle are still falling into place. I had the very huge realization the other day that only my friends who either saw through him and therefore disliked him OR the people who never met him or interacted with him at all are the ONLY ones who still remain in my life today. I realized that every one of my “friends” who he also befriended, are no longer a part of my life. People who were my friends first, some for longer than 30 years, he befriended and they’re gone. Anybody that he interacted with, even in a small way, is no longer part of my life. I realize that whatever he told them was very convincing. I realized that if there was an award for fantastic acting, he should win it. To be able to convince people that I’d known for 15 to 30 years that I was somehow a bad, unstable, or crazy person……….it’s something I don’t think I will ever truly understand. For someone to be able to have that level of persuasion over people. But narcissists and sociopaths do have this ability. If someone has known you for that long and they can be convinced that you’re not a good person, then they don’t deserve to be in your life. So let them go.

Someone once asked me if these people came back and asked me to forgive them and told me that they now saw who he really is , how would I respond? I said, I would thank them for their apology…..but go back to being friends with them? NEVER. Once the knife is turned in your back and you’ve been so badly betrayed, there is no more trust. It’s over.

Things begin to make some semblance of sense after awhile. My former “best” friend of over 30 years asked me what I had “done now” to deserve to be abused. (the question was posed to me a couple of years ago.)  The implications of this didn’t sink in at first. I just knew the friendship was over. Because what true friend, who has known you for over 30 years, can think you did something to “deserve” being abused? Aren’t friends supposed to be protective of their friends? I know I always have been. So when you get enough distance to see clearly, I realize I was painted as some kind of monster who did “things” that made people hate me and take the side of the poor, broken hearted sociopath. The part I will never, ever understand is how people can be so weak minded as to believe this kind of non-sense. But I guess I’ve always been a leader and never a follower and I’ve been accused of being stubborn……….but that’s not such a bad thing, It means I don’t just blindly take anyone’s word for anything. I watch and listen and make my own decision. Not all people (apparently most of them) aren’t blessed with such gifts. They just do what makes them popular among their peer group. And if everyone else says you must be a piece of shit, then they sit back and agree. It’s sad actually to have so little control of your own thought processes and opinions. When I tried to explain to this woman, who I had known for over 30 years, that maybe she perceived me as a “bitch” because for the first time in my whole life, I was learning boundaries (a little too late to salvage my life before the sociopath) and she looked me in the eye and said “You ARE A BITCH” ……….now here’s my question. If this is what you really thought, why have you been my friend for over 30 years. Really?

I was ostracized from my entire community. Not one member of the community ever came back to even see if I was still alive. Of course, the narcissist/sociopath said it was my fault (everything will always be your fault) because I had started to form boundaries before the final blow out. How it can go from women knowing you are being abused and being willing to  send their own husband to your home to make sure you’re safe to calling you “brutal and abusive” shows how cunning and manipulative the narcissist/sociopath really is. How I went (in people’s minds) from being the one who was being abused (I was) to being the abuser is still beyond me.

In my final closure with him, which took place recently, I was called a liar (I was called a liar so many times, I lost count). I could see something happen with my own eyes and still be called a liar when I brought it to his attention. Then he told me “Believe what you want.” I had to chuckle because I read an article recently about narcissist/sociopaths and it said this is their favorite line. I think I must have heard it a million times. When they have no other logical argument and they know you can see through them, they have two standard replies; either you’re full of shit or “believe what you want”. Well, obviously I have.

He unknowingly gave me more pieces to the puzzle that helped me finally be able to cement in my mind who and what he is. When he recently lost his job, the company took huge precautions to make sure no other staff member could be put in danger (everyone got 2 hours paid time off while he was fired). His employers saw what I saw. I was told by him that if his family member died, he really would’t care, but his other family would be sad. He also told me that while he knew I was ostracized, his life had also changed, that his social life would never be the same. (Although he’s still invited to and attending all the same parties with all the same people.) I commented that his life had moved on nicely and the callousness of his reply was chilling, he said, “Of course. Life changes.”  While I still struggle with being ostracized, having very few friends and rebuilding a life that took me 16 years to build, which he destroyed in 2 years. Then after this conversation, he asked me to have dinner with him. WHAAAATTTTT? Are you kidding me? I asked him why he would want to have dinner with someone like me who is so full of shit and a liar? Nah. Not that I ever would anyway, but I knew what he wanted. He’s sadistic and I know takes pleasure in having the power to cause harm.

I wondered to myself why I even picked up the phone when he called. I had a lot of other things going on that were far more important. But I see now that this final conversation was a gift to me to find the closure. To be able to listen from a place of pure detachment and realize that this man is not capable of “feeling” anything beyond what makes him happy or amuses him. It was the final conversation that cut the cords for me. I was no longer deceived by his unending claims (to this day) of his love for me. I could finally see that he didn’t care and had never cared. I guess some would say that it wasn’t rocket science……anyone who deliberately sells you out………..throws you under a bus……..obviously does not care about you. But the narcissist/sociopath plays such a mind game that the reality of what takes place becomes very very blurred. They try to make you believe that they love you so much and may go to great lengths to show it, but then the opposite end of this spectrum is the horrible, ugly things they do ….and the abuse…..then try to convince you that it was your fault. I was once told that by him that I had the ability to make him angrier than anyone else on earth because he loved me more than anyone else on earth. Now, truly, what kind of logic is that?

It’s time to tell my story so that other women will know that they’re not alone in what they’re dealing with. Thank you to all the women who helped me to come to understanding by sharing their stories. Watch here for more blogs and, in time, my book. You are not alone in this. And it is my sincere prayer that you get out of the situation with a narcissist/sociopath as quickly as you can.

With understanding,
Olivia Rose