Transformation

bright light

Something transformative is happening and I hope you are all feeling it as well. I am waking up to the truth of who I really am. I am waking up to truths about people around me. At times it’s exhilarating and at times it can be a little shocking as you see the true colors of people who you thought you knew (and you thought they cared about you). It’s been a very wild week, to say the least.

Since the narcissist/sociopath caused me to lose the majority of my friends and also many clients (and my current work has suffered greatly because of it and I am now having severe financial problems) , I am waking up to broader possibilities with my life.  Ever since I was married many, many years ago to an abusive man, I have wanted to help empower women. I guess it got put on the back burner until now (and it took me falling into two more abusive relationships). But now, as we are entering a new paradigm, a new era in our personal as well as collective history, I feel that the time has come to start speaking out and doing the work that my heart feels called to do. I’m not quite sure yet how it’s all going to manifest, but I have some ideas.

It takes a LOT of courage. Because I am realizing that at least two of the men who were abusive to me are still hoovering. One, with his family and the other with his friends. People think we’re crazy when we say we think they are still watching us, but, trust me, I know for a fact that they are. It carries some inherent danger. I know the last man did not like being outed as an abuser and so he did his best to destroy me……and he did destroy my reputation and my standing in the community to protect himself. What he didn’t know was that he did not destroy my spirit……..my spirit has only become stronger and stronger. I’ve also realized that certain family members have been extremely abusive to other family members (and to myself). How do you live in denial for the entirely of your life up until now? I did. But now I see it glaringly. So that’s another consideration, when you start speaking out from your heart and the people who were involved are still in your life. Courage. It takes courage. But, for me, right now, it feels good, it feels like the right thing to do.  (Please note, I would never suggest to anyone that you do anything that would put you into danger.) (And I also do not ever mention names or even the type of relationship it is/was.)

It has taken me a couple of years to arrive at this place of empowerment. I cannot explain what has happened but it has become easy for me to walk away from people who are not treating me respectfully. I walked away from two people last week who had been in my life for many, many years. At the same time though, God or the Universe, or whatever you prefer to call it, sends us good people. I met someone (also last week) who is so unbelievably kind that it blew my mind. I realized that I have gotten “used to” assholes. It shouldn’t be that way, we should never get “used to” being treated badly. We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity and kindness. It’s very simple for me now. If you have no respect for me, I walk away. And amazingly I haven’t really missed the ones I walked away from.

I am looking forward to doing work to empower women. All women but especially very young women who did not grow up in an environment where self worth was fostered. If I can help prevent one young woman from entering into an abusive relationship, then I have done my job. If I can empower one woman to take back her life and find her strength and courage AFTER an abusive relationship, then I have done my job.  I have been asking Mother/Father God to show me what the next step on this journey is.

Bless all of you who are exiting an abusive relationship, those who are trying to recover, those who are teaching and empowering other women. Bless you all. May you continue to be strong and shine bright as the beautiful lights that you are.

Olivia Rose

Connect with me at Olivia.Rose2015@yahoo.com If you feel moved to support my work, you can send a donation via pay pal to the above address. You can also connect with me on Facebook at  https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Journey-of-Olivia-Rose/1632375906981319?fref=ts

Desperation Is a STINKY Perfume

stinky smell cat

One of the  biggest lessons I’ve had to learn is this: Never make decisions based from desperation.

It’s a theme that the Universe keeps bringing back into my face and I’d like to say, I think I finally “got” it. (Let’s hope so.) When you make a decision from a place of desperation……being desperate…..thinking there is no other way or no other hope, it usually ALWAYS turns out badly. Maybe there are some exceptions, but for me, it always turned out BAD BAD BAD.

I settled when I got married. I thought marriage was better than other options in my life at the time. WRONG.

Early into my marriage, I took a job that I hated…….the people were awful…….it’s been 25 years and I still think of them with regret. What was I thinking? “Where else can I get a job for this measly amount of money with people who treat me like shit?” I am SURE there were many other options.

Then I stayed with the husband for nearly 20 years. He was abusive. Was it desperation that kept me with him? Did I think I couldn’t survive on my own? Was it guilt?

Finally I broke free from marriage and I started a new career.  (Yay me!! But many lessons were still to follow!!)

After my divorce, I continued the pattern of making choices from desperation but it was getting better…..at least I wasn’t choosing or staying at jobs that I hated. I was learning to have faith. Little did I know, this faith was going to take almost another 20 years to come to full fruition.

My problem was I kept choosing men who were not good for me. Because I was desperate. I was lonely. There was the one who drank and cheated and left me in huge debt. There was the one who had a personal ad the whole time he was dating me and he was “screening” and dating other women, looking for “the one”. There was the guy who wanted a lifestyle of kink and domination (a way I refused to live) who also was involved with other women while seeing me. I even made a long distance move for a man who wouldn’t commit to me, never told me he loved me, and after 5 months, ended the relationship (after I’d given up everything I owned to move). At this point, one might ask, “Didn’t she learn yet??”

No, unfortunately I hadn’t. I kept making bad decisions. The next prince I chose really did seem at first like a super nice guy and people thought I “had done good”. But what they didn’t know was that he didn’t own a car and spent LOTS of money each month on his happy herb supply that went up in smoke.  We were happy for awhile till his mama decided to hate me and that was the end of that……because I didn’t know he was a mama’s boy and had no mind of his own………and I didn’t take too well to being excluded from all family activities and holidays and being blatantly told I was not welcome. The next guy was sweet but I raced into it again, being lonely, wanting a companion. At first he was handsome and fun and silly but soon it became apparent that he didn’t have respect for me…..he was rude in front of family and friends. What do you say to your parents when your boyfriend walks across their living room passing gas with each step he takes………? Yeah. Tell me again why I needed to stay with these two? (Areyoufuckingkiddingme?)  Afraid to be alone? Afraid no one else would want me?

The last one was the icing on my cake. People said he was super duper nice. Mr. Wonderful. Give you the shirt off his back kind of guy. We were introduced by mutual friends. How could it go wrong? Well, right away, it did. And it went from a little wrong to totally destroying my life by the time we were done. He was a narcissist with sociopathic tendencies that put me back into therapy. I saw red flags almost from day one. But he had an excuse for everything, namely that this is “how people act” and “where have you been” and “we’re just having fun, it doesn’t mean anything.” My cue to walk out the door (and it’s funny, we can all define that ONE moment) was when we were in a bar with all HIS friends and he was all cuddled up with another woman, so cuddled up, in fact, that other (strangers) men were hitting on me and asking to buy me drinks. I appeared to be in the bar alone. Now THAT was my cue to call a cab and go home. And never look back or come back.

BUT. Instead I had a conversation with myself that I had over this man many times. I said, “What if this is as good as it gets?”  “What if there is no one else out there that I can be compatible with?” He said he wanted to marry me. I believed him. But his actions weren’t loving and I knew that. Yet, I stayed for nearly 2 years. I kept saying, “I can do this, I can do this” like the Little Engine That Could. (A children’s fable.) And yet, I was becoming desperately unhappy, I was almost sick, I had constant anxiety and panic attacks. His rages and name calling made me fear for my physical safety, not to mention my emotional and mental health. Finally, after being emotionally dragged through the mud, having my career damaged and my reputation ruined and being ostracized from the community, I ended the relationship with Mr. Toxic Waste. Why did I stay so long? Did I think I would never find anyone better than him? (ohmygod!!)

During the same time frame, I had some very wealthy clients who I saw frequently. The husband was extremely rude to me, ungrateful and refused to pay the full price for the service I provide. His rational was that even though he was a mega multi millionaire, he should have a discount for the frequency in which I saw him and his wife. I dealt with this for six years (almost to the day). Until one day, as per his usual self, he had a tantrum because I was 2 minutes late. (This was not the first time it happened.) And we had a dispute about what time our appointment was. I had had enough. I told him I must have dreamed up the time he told me to be there. He became furious and literally threw me out of his home. I never went back. Why did I put up with it for six years? Because I thought I couldn’t find other clients? Because I thought I had to put up with is abuse to earn money?

I guess things come to a head because during this same time period, I ended my relationship with a childhood friend as well. She choose to side with the abusive ex. She told me that I was a bitch and inferred that I deserved what happened to me. In retrospect, I realized she had always had a mean streak and insulted me whenever she thought she could get away with it. I was patient and kind to her because she had a pretty big weight problem and I knew she had some issues with her self esteem. So I allowed the insults……….because………why? If I didn’t, I might not have a friend to hang around with?

The theme was always the same. I thought I wasn’t good enough to find better jobs or a man who would treat me right. Or friends who were respectful and supportive.  My decisions were based on desperation. I was desperate for money. Or desperate for a companion. Or desperate not to be alone. DESPERATION. And being desperate stems from a huge lack of self esteem. Of thinking that you do not deserve better!!!! Of thinking that you have to put up with SHIT.

Desperation makes a very stinky perfume. I heard that line in a movie but I can’t remember what movie it was. But it stuck in my head. I think desperation emanates off of us and it attracts characters who can sense it and who will take advantage of us. Desperation smells like shit and literally attracts shit into your life. Like dog poop attracts flies.

It’s vital to find your self esteem. You are the Queen. The Goddess. The Warrior. You deserve the best. You deserve your own love and respect and when you love and respect yourself, you will not accept less from anyone else. Make your choices from a place of what is BEST for you, what makes you HAPPY and what builds you up instead of diminishes you. When you start to do this, you have to have faith that the Universe/God will take care of you. You will have what you need. And you will find happiness.

Here’s to healthy choices,

Olivia

https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Journey-of-Olivia-Rose/1632375906981319?ref=hl

Before and After

I don't care what you think of me

Who were you before you met the narcissist/sociopath and who did you become after your toxic relationship with them? I was unfortunate (or fortunate? We’ll get to this in a moment) to have had 2 or possibly 3 relationships with these kinds of toxic men.  One was many many years ago and I had pretty much recovered (or so I thought) and the more recent one was a few years ago.

So who was I when I met the first man?

When I speak of these relationships, I am speaking specifically of those with narcissist/sociopaths, not relationships that were relatively normal.

Before: ( First relationship: Long before age 40) 

1.   A Doormat.  I was the the typical people pleaser. I could not stand up for myself or my needs.

2.   Afraid and silent.  I was afraid to even disagree with him or he might hit me. I had no voice.

3.  Out of control of my own life. Wasn’t allowed to make my own decisions or think for myself about even the kinds of foods I wanted to eat.

4.  Young and foolish with a belief that people can change.

5.  Accepting every accusation and believing that I was the trash that he said I was because if only I could be a better wife, he would change.

During: (Second relationship, after age 40)  I have to preface this with saying I made a promise to myself that when I turned 40 I would be myself, stand my ground, speak up for my needs……..I still had some learning to do…..)

1.  I was still a doormat. He and his friends would go out of their way to make fun of me and then tell me I was too sensitive so I tried to “tone down” my reactions and not be “so sensitive”.

2.  Still silent. When he ridiculed who and what I was/am, I tried to join in the joke making and go along with the “fun”.

3.  Out of control of my life. Going to parties and associating with people and doing things that I would NEVER done but these were his “friends” and these were things he liked. Again, not even in control of choosing what I might like to eat. I’ve never heard anyone insist that you’re going to try a food and LIKE it (except when you’re like 5 years old.)

4.   Believing him when he told me that he could and/or had changed and it “wouldn’t happen again”.

5.  Believing I was an asshole who no one liked and that I created it by my own attitude and  him saying “Well, what did you expect??”

The good news was this. The first relationship, I did for nearly 20 years. I finally got out because I knew if I didn’t that I would die. In the second relationship, nearly 15 years after the first, I had grown up. Initially, I put up with all his bullshit because he played the game so well, as all narcissists do. I believed he was the nice guy that everyone adored……except for when, behind closed doors with me, he wasn’t.  I didn’t put up a fight at first, I tried to roll with the punches and the jokes and the ridiculing and his hateful rages. I thought, at first, that it was my “fault” for making him so mad. That was just the result of my old conditioning. (Time to let that shit go!)  But, then enough was enough. Fortunately, I had grown enough that this relationship only lasted a couple years instead of 20. But even a couple of years was way too much and was also plenty of time for him to set me up and ultimately ruin the life that I had built.

When I had had enough and started standing up for myself, my power came back like a lion. I roared. I don’t think he was accustomed to anyone roaring at him or even disagreeing in the voice of a mouse. I refused to tolerate the jokes anymore or his playing with other women or his ridiculing me and my children or raging and cursing me.  I think this was the beginning of my downfall but also the return of my power. He saw that I saw who he really is/was and he wasn’t going to allow it to be brought to the attention of anyone. So he started the smear campaign and setting me up so that when the final chips fell, I was the one who looked like an abusive lunatic. He did all of this without my knowledge at all. If I had known what to look for and the subtle signs, I would have known, but he was expert at his manipulations. I knew that something weird, something insidious was happening at the time, but I could not put my finger on it.

When I finally had had enough, I broke up with him. It wasn’t that easy or clear cut. Lots of unbelievable stuff was going on. When his friends publicly slandered my reputation and character, I asked him to help me and “stand up for me”. He didn’t. In fact, he threw fuel on their fire and made it far worse. From there, I was ostracized from the entire community. I lost 99.9% of my friends. (Even ones from childhood.) My own family thought I was crazy at first………except those who lived with me who had witnessed the fights, live and in person and over speaker phone. (HA!)

So during the process, what happened?

I refused to submit to more crap, the way I had during the first relationship. I refused to be bullied. Was it that easy? No. I had vomiting panic attacks at times. I stayed very slim because half the time I couldn’t eat because of the anxiety. I had nightmares.  But I stood up for myself after a time. I argued back. I didn’t let him get away with telling me “that’s just how I am and how my friends are” when the behavior was unacceptable. And ultimately, I got totally ostracized and lost all of my friends BECAUSE I HAD FOUND MY VOICE. (Hallelujah, the angels sang!!)  But I figure what I lost wasn’t real because those who really know you and love you don’t  believe in the antics of a CLOWN that they’ve only known for a short time. Oh, yes, it was horribly painful and lonely. And at times it still is.

This is who I have become: (and it’s glorious!!) 

1.  I am nobody’s doormat and I never will be again.

2.   I have a voice and I’m not afraid to use it. At times, stuff blurts out of my mouth (no, it’s not rude or inappropriate) and I say what I feel with assertiveness. To find your own voice is the one of the most amazing things you will ever do.

3.   I have learned to argue effectively. (Which could sound more like a vice, but trust me, after 40-plus years as a doormat, it’s wonderful.)

4.   I am not afraid of anyone or what they think.

5.   I am not afraid to be myself. When you’ve lost your entire community and all your friends and your reputation and your credibility, there is not much else to lose and you simply don’t care anymore what people think. Either they like you or they don’t. Their choice. Not your business. Very liberating.

6.  Not afraid to be “alone”. I have learned to travel alone, be home alone, go for days without talking to many people, eat out alone, go to the movies alone. Sure, I would prefer a companion, but learning to be alone and be OK with it is very liberating as well.

7.   I am STRONG. I have survived. Not only have I survived but I have thrived. I have rebuilt my business and my self esteem.

8.   My spirituality has become even stronger than it ever was.

9.   I have clear boundaries that will NEVER be violated again.

10.  I don’t take crap from anyone. I have learned the lessons, learned to recognize the red flags and I have an instant rejection button for anyone who does not respect my feelings and/or boundaries. I have no tolerance for rudeness and I don’t make excuses to justify anyone’s shitty behavior.

11.  I am BRAVE. I have COURAGE.

12.  I trust my own INTUITION. If it does not feel right, then it’s probably not right!!!!!

So, in other words, this has been quite the journey  that I don’t wish on anyone. HOWEVER, I LOVE the woman I have become.  I love, love, love ME!!!  I would never go back to who I was in the past. I won’t lie or sugar coat it, I still have bad days. I still work on letting go of resentment, sometimes I still hurt,  but I also know that I never would have become who I am now (which will serve me well for the rest of my life) had I not gone through this final “learning” phase. I know I can accomplish anything and survive anything, and that, my dear friends, is priceless.

We are Strong Women. We are Brave Women. We are Powerful Women. We are Warrior Women. We are children of the Most High Divine. We are Wonder Woman. We have looked EVIL in the eye and lived to tell the tale. Instead of getting down on yourself for the “mistakes” you’ve made, allow yourself to dwell on how strong you really are and the amazing, glorious woman you have become. You will NOT be kept down. You will soar like the eagle. And magnificent days stretch out before us, all we have to do is keep moving forward.

strong women 2

With power and strength,

Olivia

https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Journey-of-Olivia-Rose/1632375906981319?ref=hl

Releasing the Pain

can't forgive you

After a relationship gone sour, we are told to “forgive” and move on. In a relationship with a narcissist or sociopath (far more than just a relationship “gone wrong”);  when we are dealing with abuse (physical and emotional) and often the loss of our lives as we knew them (due to the slandering of our character and reputation by the Narc/Sociopath), the loss of friends, jobs and sometimes entire communities……..when we are totally isolated and trying to rebuild our lives and not even knowing where to start…..the LAST thing we want to think about is “forgiving” the person who caused such destruction. In fact, I think most of us are hoping that the Karma bus will arrive and run them over, and the sooner the better.

In the West and in Western religions, we are taught that we need to “forgive” and even to “turn the other cheek”.  I agree that we need to forgive, but NOT to absolve the other person of wrong-doing but for our own sake. If we hold on to hate, bitterness, hurt and resentment, we open ourselves to illnesses, we stop our own progress in moving forward and we emanate a negative vibe that taints everything we do.  So what do we do? How do we handle this? I will be bluntly honest with you in saying that I have absolutely no desire what-so-ever in forgiving the person who harmed me so badly. However, I DO want to release my pain, bitterness and resentment for MY OWN  sake so that I don’t get sick and/or grow into a bitter, angry old woman.

In Eastern traditions, namely Hinduism, they have a different concept. They don’t believe in “forgiveness” in the traditional Western sense of the word. Instead they believe in offering your hurt, anger, pain, hate, resentment to the Mother Goddess, namely the Goddess Kali. She takes your pain and ingests it (transmutes it). She helps you emerge stronger and more empowered. In Hinduism, it is believed  that everyone creates their “karma” which means they reap the consequences of their actions, so people do not have to “forgive”. Other people’s Karma is between them and their concept of “God”.  This is much the same of the Christian teaching of “You reap what you sow”. The Goddess Kali (and just the idea of a female Diety) might be hard for some to understand and accept, especially if you’ve come from a traditional background. (If the concept of the Goddess and namely Kali does not frighten you, you can learn more by googling “give your pain to Goddess Kali” and you will find more in depth articles.)

My point here is not to push or promote any religion but to say that we need to offer our pain to a Higher Power of our choice, whether it be Jesus, Buddha, the Universe, God or Goddess. We need to offer it up to them so that they can take it from us and heal our hearts. It’s not a process that I can explain in a logical, rational way……it is a spiritual process and practice. It takes faith and trust. No matter how hard I have tried in the past, I cannot seem to heal my own heart. It’s something that is super-natural, done by a force inside me and yet stronger than me in my own humanness. It’s something that works for me because I have not been able (or desiring) to “forgive” on command. It’s not like flipping a switch. But by offering your pain to the Higher Power of your choice, you set spiritual forces into motion that will end up freeing you from your pain.

I think it also helps to realize that as destructive as a relationship with a narcissist/sociopath can be  (and mine was;  his smear campaign left me ostracized from the entire community and I lost 99% of the people who had been in my life and my work was negatively impacted……in addition to the abuse he inflicted which resulted in a struggle with PTSD) we emerge on the other side still ALIVE. Some days we may feel broken and full of despair and depression but eventually we realize that we are stronger than we ever knew. Slowly we realize that our fears are dropping away and we realize that if we can survive “this” with the sociopath, then we can survive anything. Discovering this strength is the greatest gift. We also begin to realize that the worst has already happened……our character has been slandered, our reputations ruined, our lives have been burned to the ground……but…… there when there is nothing left to lose, our true selves begin to emerge. We no longer care what people think of us  because we’ve seen that we could be good people and yet people still will slander and try to destroy us. We begin to step into our own power, strength, and authenticity and suddenly we realize we are beginning to SHINE again. We become these strong, bad-ass women who aren’t afraid of anything anymore and it feels really really good. You also begin to see with real clarity who and what the sociopath really is and you realize that he doesn’t get the right to ruin your life for one more moment. In fact it would be a sacrilege to let him dominate you this way for one second longer. And when you realize all these things, you begin to seek your joy again.

I don’t say any of this lightly because it’s been a few years for me to reach this place. I still have my days (and I had many many many in the past) of being depressed and not even getting dressed but those days are becoming fewer. It fairly recently  that someone shared with me the Eastern perspective of offering my pain to the Higher Power. I had been trying for the past few years to “forgive” and it just wasn’t happening and I was still carrying a lot of resentment. On my own, I had already begun to see the “gifts” that came out of my relationship with the narcissist/sociopath. As for “turning the other cheek”……….well, I don’t know what to say about that. I have no intention of offering him the other side of my face after he’s already punched one side of it.  So we’ll just leave it at that. This isn’t a philosophical debate.

So, if you haven’t done it already, go to your Higher Power and offer them your pain (you may have to keep offering it, many times) and then trust in this spiritual process of healing. You can also leave your abuser in the hands of your Higher Power. Whether you believe in Jesus or Karma, the message is the same, what goes around, comes around. You reap what you sow. So God will take care of your abuser and their relationship (or lack or it) (or lack or remorse) is between them. Either way, you end up free of pain and resentment, free of the desire for revenge and ready to get on with your life as a strong, empowered, free woman who can SPARKLE and SHINE once again.

In strength, love and power,

Olivia

https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Journey-of-Olivia-Rose/1632375906981319

For The Crappy Days

stronger than you think

It’s been several years for me since I split with the narcissist/sociopath and my life still isn’t even remotely close to being the same. It can take years to rebuild what they,  so quickly and easily and without conscience, destroy. Some days still suck. It’s hard going it alone with very few friends. I’m not going to sugar coat it and lie to anyone. It’s not easy. But there are a lot of us and we are not alone in this. I am finally speaking out, sometimes with a lot of fear…..I worry that “he” will find out and that there will be repercussions. But it would be worse still to live my life as a mouse hiding under a rock. I can’t do that. If I can educate and empower other women, then my life will be complete. If I can do that, then it will make all my own suffering mean something. If women could see the signs right away and GET OUT before the damage is done……..that’s my goal to educate and empower. Imagine if we could start when women are young teenagers………..what a difference we could make.

Initially, I  thought that narcissism and sociopathy were/are rare disorders. They’re not. Statistics have shown that one in every 25 people is a sociopath. So that kinda means they’re everywhere. And there are so many of us who have been their victims. But I don’t prefer to think of myself , or any of you, as victims……..we are survivors, we are victors and we are the warriors. We will go on and we will make the world a better place because we are HERE and we survived. We are HERE, dammit, and we survived!!  On the days that suck, when the loneliness becomes intense, remember you are not alone. You will make it through. I have to believe that a  Divine plan is in action, no matter what your religion. There is a purpose and a reason that you’re going through this. You will be amazed at how strong you will become. You will be amazed at how little you need other people and once you realize these things, there is great freedom in that. Don’t mourn for people who abandoned you because they believed what the N/S told them. If they believed you are that scum, let them go. Don’t try to explain yourself or hold on to them…..show them the DOOR!  Each of us has our karma that awaits us. Because whether you believe in Karma or not, I do believe that you get what you give, and when you kick someone when they’re down, eventually it will return to you, full boomerang effect. Everyone gets what is theirs, eventually, even when appearances don’t show it yet.

So remember how far you’ve come. Remember how strong you are, even on the bad days. Remember how self reliant you’ve become and how freeing that is…….even though the process has been hard as hell. You will make it,  things will get better. The crappy days will become fewer and fewer.

I found this awesome blog last night. It’s well worth reading. She explains so precisely what happens in our relationships with narcissists and sociopaths.      https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2015/05/04/your-voice-why-and-how-its-silenced-by-the-abusive-narcissist/

****I do second what she says about choosing when and where to find your voice. DO NOT put yourself in danger to tell your story. The day will come when you safely can but if you’re not in that place yet, please do not put yourself in danger.

Please feel free to reach out to me on my FB page in a private message if you need to. There is strength and support and encouragement in numbers.

With shared strength,

Olivia

https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Journey-of-Olivia-Rose/1632375906981319

The Phone Call

I can see clearly now

So you called me  and I wondered to myself why I bothered to answer the phone after years away from you. Little did I know you called to give me a gift. Actually you asked me to dinner, which I found odd. But in the course of the conversation you told me I was a liar and told me to “believe what you want”. I’m not a liar and yes, I do believe what I want, obviously. So thank you for your astute observations. When I ask you not to call me a liar, you tell me that you’re entitled to your opinion and your “feelings”. I ask you again not to call me a liar. You continue to do it anyway. I ask why you’d want to have dinner with someone you believe is a liar and who has no respect for your “feelings” and you tell me it’s  because you still love me and you always will.

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. Hot damn. Bless your sweet heart for showing me what “real love” is. (That’s sarcasm)

Somehow the conversation diverges without me hanging up on you (a miracle in itself)  and I ask how your dear uncle is since I know his health has been poor. You tell me that he’s doing OK but that you won’t be sad when he dies but your dad will be. Wow. Your sensitivity blows me away. This is the man who, back in the day, you told stories about how great he was when you were a kid and took care of you when your parents had to work. Your uncle told me stories about how much he loved you like you were his own child….and how much he did to make your life happy since your childhood had some rough spots. Now I understand your insensitivity when people in my life passed away. The only death you fear or will mourn will be your own.

Although I wasn’t technically looking into your eyes, metaphorically I did that day. And after years of trying to understand just exactly who and what you are, I finally saw it. I (metaphorically) looked into your eyes and I saw a dark hole. There was nothing there. I saw no light. I saw no love. I saw no compassion. I saw nothing. I saw a frightening emptiness. In that moment, I realized that you never loved me and you never would because you simply did not have the capacity to feel.I’m not sure you’ve ever loved anyone except for your own self perceived greatness.  It must be a sad way to live but I don’t feel sad for you, I feel free. I feel free to finally understand that you don’t feel remorse over destroying someone’s life. You don’t feel remorse for name calling  (too many name calling episodes to count). You don’t find it abnormal to call me  several years later and STILL call me a liar and then ask me to dinner. And you can’t even “pretend” to feel sad over the impending death of a “loved” family member.

Seriously, who does shit like this?

So thank you, for this unexpected gift…….and although I cursed myself at first for answering the telephone when it was you, (maybe I thought you had changed), you showed me that you hadn’t changed a bit. And you let me gaze into your eyes and as I listened to you with total detachment, I actually HEARD you, for the first time. I didn’t hear what I “wanted” to hear. I didn’t “hear” what I have always wanted desperately to believe. I heard what you said. I heard what you are. And I saw the blackness in your eyes. The emptiness. The incapacity to feel. The endless dark hole.

And finally I understood. And with this understanding comes blessed relief, and finally, closure.

With clear sight,

Olivia

https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Journey-of-Olivia-Rose/1632375906981319

You’re Definitely Not an A**hole

surrounded by assholes

Since your time with the Narcissist do you ever find yourself wondering if you really are just an asshole? I lost all my “friends” (I use the word “friends” loosely and in quotation marks) so maybe I AM just an asshole.  During the time with the N, I also very slowly learned boundaries and how to stand up for myself. (Which has actually been a very very good thing.) But more than a year later, I still have those occasional moments where I say to myself, “Maybe you just ARE an asshole!” But I realize that being with someone so cruel and abusive (and the gas lighting and mind games) that the N played were designed to rob me of all my self esteem so that thinking I’m an asshole would be his objective.

I went on a date with a man who I really believe was married ….. (there were a few signs)…..and dating still scares the holy crap out of me, so I drank too much on the dates. (I wasn’t falling down stumbling drunk or even “drunk” at all, just comfortably tipsy.) And today I was talking about it with my adult son and I said, “He really was a nice guy….but I think he was married…..and I was terrified of dating…..and so I drank too much and I don’t think he liked that I drank so much.” And my son said, “Would you just listen to yourself??? You find a way to justify the bad behavior of anyone!!” He continued, “I could punch you in the face right now and tomorrow you’d say it was your fault because you talked too much.”

Wow. Just wow. Now, my son would NEVER hit or harm me, he was making a point and a very valid one at that. He is a young adult with a very old soul.He made me really stop and think again.  He’s right,  I can find a way to justify almost anyone’s crappy behavior and make it into my fault (The guy was married, I called him out on it, he didn’t like that and he broke off the dating, but it was my fault for drinking too much…….. HUH????)  I have to remember that  because I have boundaries and a sense of what is right or wrong in the way people treat me (dating a married man is definitely NOT Ok) does NOT make me an asshole.  The narcissist wanted me to think that I was an asshole……wanted me to think so, when, in fact, it was him talking about me behind my back about how horrible I was (abusing and stalking  him and all is what he told people, which was totally fabricated) and THAT was why people didn’t like me anymore, NOT because I  was just an asshole who  didn’t treat people right and agree with them when I should have.

I had another friend recently. (I don’t think I do anymore.) I knew him for many many many many years and felt safe with him. We would occasionally “hook up”. So when I asked if he had plans for some of the holidays, I got ignored.  When I asked if he would like to attend an event with me, I got ignored. So I got tired of him ignoring the questions and I said, “An answer would be nice, at your convenience of course, and if the answer is NO, then that’s fine, just say No.”  Well, because I just asked for the respect of receiving an answer to a question…..I never heard from him again since then. (Which was what prompted the whole “maybe I am just an asshole” debate inside my head.)

And here’s my point. The Narcissist/Abuser/Sociopath wanted you to think you were a worthless, no good, piece of crap so that you would depend totally on him for everything. So that you would surrender and do whatever he wanted you to do. So that you would go along with his boundary crossing ways all allow him and his friends to walk on you and abuse you. The less self esteem you have, the more control they have over you.

You’re not an asshole. You’re not worthless. You’re not a piece of shit or full of shit (as I was so often told and called). You are worthy. You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You are deserving of respect and love and courtesy just like anybody else. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. You are allowed to have your boundaries and people are NOT allowed to cross them

We have to get rid of all these old tapes that keep playing inside our heads telling us that we are less than and not worthy and that  we have to just settle for what anyone wants from us. Not true, not true, not true. We are worthy. When I discovered boundaries, I was called a “bitch” to my face from someone who had been in my life since I was a child. Well, if bitch means you’re not a doormat, then please, yes, I AM a bitch. And realize that people do this to you because they LIKED the you that was the doormat. You’re not anyone’s  doormat anymore.

Peace and love,

Olivia Rose

Thank You

thank you note

I have wanted to start writing this blog for so long and it feels so good to finally start.

Thank you to all of you who have been blogging for years because reading what you have written has helped me so very very much. Your encouragement has meant the world to me while being surrounded by people who can never understand what it’s been like to be involved with a narcissist.

Peace and love,

Olivia

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100008896532578

One Small Step

it's going to be OK

It’s been a really difficult few years…..since about 2009. And “really difficult” is probably a huge understatement. I read somewhere that pain and discomfort means you are experiencing growth…..moving beyond the current place that you’re at into a new and unknown territory. Being involved with an abusive relationship with a narcissist left my life in shambles, I lost everything that it took many many years to build. When I hear myself tell the story, I can hardly believe it myself. I still wonder how it happened and how it went so far. It sounds like a tale out of a psychotic movie. How can one person turn every friend you have against you? Well, after reading about 15 books and countless blogs and talking with many other people, I have a pretty good idea how it happens but my brain still won’t process it and accept that it’s possible. I’m not sure my brain will ever understand…..I don’t possess the brain of a sociopath in order to think like they do.

I spent a very long time trying to become amicable with the narcissist.  (I will refer to him as “N” from here on.) And I found that amicable is just not possible with this kind of person. They have no empathy for your pain. They will say the right words one moment (and you think you’ve found that person you fell in love with) but then in the next second attack you with venomous force. It takes a very long time to realize that “amicable”  is never going to happen and you have to finally let go of that hope. There will be no friendship.

Like a death, I believe you go through stages. The first is anger. “How could you do this to me??” You seek and seek for explanations.(And your seeking could go on forever until YOU choose to stop.)  You seek compassion. You seek understanding. Nobody (except for those who have gone through it themselves) seem to understand. People will even tell you “Get over it already. Move on.” But the N plays such a mind game with you that it is incredibly hard to just “move on” like you would after an ordinary break up. We try so hard to understand something that a normal person (who does possess empathy and compassion) will NEVER understand. This phase can take a very long time to get through. You may find you develop physical ailments related to carrying so much anger. There is no easy solution. Talking to a qualified counselor is an option if you can find one who understands the victim of a Narcissist. (Not many do.) You can join support groups. I have found countless women who have experienced the same thing I did. That alone is a huge comfort. There are also many books you can read and blogs that will help you to understand.

After the anger phase, I believe the grief phase begins. For me, it is not a grief of “lost love”. I finally see him for who he is. I understand that the man I fell in love with was an illusion. He knew how to play the role of Prince Charming to the world but behind closed doors, he was a demon to be feared. And, yes, I feared him with every ounce of my being.  I don’t miss the screaming, cursing and name calling with his spittle hitting my face as he cursed me. What I grieve is the loss of my way of life. I lost most of the people I considered friends. Of course, in retrospect, you realize that these people were never your friends to begin with if they could believe such crazy lies about you that he told. I miss the social groups that I belonged to for many years that I now find myself ostracized from. I miss being able to pick up the phone and connect with people. I have 3 people left in my life locally that I can connect with. I learned how to do everything alone. (Which is hard but worth being able to do.) I think, for me, the holidays brought out the grief. There were no parties, no gatherings, no friends. The holidays emphasized my loneliness. Yes, I have made new friends but it is not the same. New friends already have their own social circles and families and it takes a very long time to be accepted and fit in. It’s not the same as having life long (or many year friendships). But we also know that in every ending is a new beginning. I did go to some gatherings. People were kind. But for nearly every one I attended, I cried all the way home.

Sometimes we need help getting past the pain. We have to seek out therapy and in some cases we have to seek out medication. While I believe medication is a last resort (for me anyway), today I started a prescription of an antidepressant. I have high hopes that taking it will help me to crawl out of this black hole that I seem to be stuck in. Depression is a horrible feeling. (And of course if you feel suicidal, call 911 immediately.) It’s a huge thing for me to start an antidepressant and to admit it. And even more than that…..I am praying that it works. I suffer from not only depression but Post Traumatic Stress  stemming from a culmination of 3 abusive relationships, anxiety and panic attacks. I am ready to feel better and have my life back.

I realize that in addition to the medication that I have to do other things to take care of myself. I need to fill my mind with the most positive and inspirational stuff I can find. I have to do things that give me joy. I have to eat properly. I have to get enough rest. I have to exercise. Today I started the medication. Tomorrow, I turn over a new leaf and seek out those things that bring me joy. I will eat better and exercise too. Just getting out and sitting in the sun can help you feel uplifted.

And more than anything else, we must know and remember that it will be OK…….if not today, then one day soon. It will all be OK. And while our memories remain (we would never want to “forget” and repeat this experience again), we can find love, joy and peace once again. So take one small step (or big step……going on medication was definitely a big step for me!!) towards your goal. You are never alone.

Love and peace,

Olivia               https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100008896532578