Is Healing Within Reach?

I have realized that after a narcissistic relationship is over and you think you’re fine, that sometimes the post traumatic stress doesn’t really surface until later. Especially when your entire way of life (friendships, work, ect) was destroyed by the narcissist. Especially when all your support systems are gone. When friends that you were able to keep  tell you to get over it already. Nobody quite understands what it’s like to have someone who you thought “loved” you turn around and try to destroy you. They don’t know what it’s like to be constantly watching over your shoulder because someone keeps stalking you long after the relationship is over. They don’t know what it’s like to have severe trust issues because you’re constantly watching for the “red flags” with new people and you’re even afraid to give anyone your phone number and massively afraid for anyone to know where you live. Because. What if they turn out to be another psycho? It’s sobering to realize that sometimes the worst times come long after the actual relationship has ended.

Hell, I’m not afraid of a broken heart, that’s the least of it. Life goes on after loss of love. But what makes survivors of narcissists/sociopaths afraid is of actual danger. Physical harm. Stalking. Encountering them or their violent friends out in public. Afraid of more narcissists, more psychopaths. Someone else who might put every ounce of their energy into trying to destroy you. That’s what I am afraid of.

You think you’re going along trying to regain your life and then you realize you’re being stalked and/or watched. As the months and months unfold, sometimes into years,  you still find accounts that have been hacked, you find photographs of you where they don’t belong, your belongings are tampered with…..to the point you have to call the police. You wonder if it will ever end. You finally see how you were set up from almost day one with the narcissist, how they actually planted the seeds (in other people’s minds) to paint you as the one who was sadistic and abusive and crazy. As the picture becomes clearer and clearer of what actually happened to you and you live daily with the repercussions of all of it……healing can seem far away…… especially when you think it’s finally over but every time you think that, something else surfaces.  It can feel like the never-ending nightmare.

It’s like a million times easier to get over a “normal” relationship that has gone bad.

It’s been several years for me. I never thought I would be at this point and still be so disabled by “what happened”. And “disabled” is not a term I use lightly or frivolously.   I am going back to therapy. I know that I have to reprogram my brain and I know that I need help doing it. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be “normal” again. I know for sure I will never be the same person I was before all of this.

Some methods that I have researched for releasing trauma include energy healing, Emotional Freedom technique and EDMR.  According to what I have read, those are the most effective techniques for releasing trauma. I would encourage you to research them for yourself. I also know I have to create a new “script” inside my head to actually form new neural pathways in my brain. Essentially, rewiring my own brain. Something tells me that I may need to write a script or a list of affirmations that are specific to what I have dealt with (and individual)  and that will counter-act the negative thoughts that I am so plagued with. I need to recite them all day long, over and over again, until the positive thoughts become second nature again. One thing is for sure, it’s going to take discipline. And I also know that discipline is hard to come by when you are filled with anxiety (and the physical issues that accompany it), fear and depression. But I’m also at a point where I know I have to reach deep inside and find that strength that I know is there and draw upon it. Nobody can do it for me. Only I can do it for myself. I have to seek out and find the good in humanity again. I have to cultivate loving relationships with new people in my life….and this can be very hard when every bit of your trust is gone.

It’s hard when that “one” person you thought loved you turned into a monster who wanted to annihilate you and with him he took the other 99% of the people who you thought cared about you. It can shatter your entire world-view. To this day, my brain still cannot process HOW this could happen. But it did.  And now I have to figure out how to get past it and go on and find a happy life again.

Even writing, such as this blog, is very therapeutic. I know it’s been 5 months since I wrote. That shows you the level of what I call my “paralyzation” (my seeming inability to do much of anything). And in the meantime, a few more people have fallen out of my life. Which definitely has felt like sticks being poked into open wounds. People who I thought cared about me. (Yeah, I misjudged again!!!)  But, you know what? It’s Ok. I have clear conscience knowing that I did my very best with everyone and I was the best friend I possibly could have been.

*****Their behavior is a reflection of who they are, not a reflection of who I am.*****  This is something we have to remember. I have come to realize that we do not need people who are users. It’s better to be alone and/or have very few friends……but REAL friends.

Hang in there, sisters. You’re not alone. This is a long road but I know it’s shaping me/us into women who are so extremely strong. And in the grand scheme of things, perhaps we are being prepared for something much greater than the mundane life that most people experience. Our experiences have shaped us to value what truly, truly matters and to count our blessings for the things that most people take for granted.

Baiting & Bashing (B&B)

“Baiting and Bashing” This is an excellent explanation. This is exactly what happens. It’s important to understand that it is a well calculated game that narcissists and sociopaths play. They are masters of manipulation. It can make you question your own reality and can be impossible to understand how your “friends” and “associates” can believe the abuser.

Psychopath Resistance

Personality disordered people regularly engage in this extraordinarily vile behavior. They get away with it time after time because they are deviously skilled at misleading others and obscuring what is actually going on. Watch out for staging and framing—or B&B!

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Warrior

 

 

I realized in one of my previous posts about Warrior Women, I mentioned that I might get a tattoo one day. Well, I finally did it.  Three weeks ago, I went and got it done. It’s over my heart, on the left side of my upper chest. I had to overcome all the “societal” and “parental” stigmas about getting a tattoo. (I grew up being taught that they are not “nice”.)

Well, I don’t think I am “nice” anymore. I am pleasant, well mannered and  polite but I don’t stand silently for any kind of abuse or human injustice anymore. I have become the Warrior. And you know what? It feels really really good. I recently had to chuckle inwardly a bit because I don’t think the men I was in abusive relationships with ever thought or dreamed that their little “mouse” would become a roaring “lion” but I am getting there.

The Warrior Woman knows how to stand up for herself. She also stands up for others who have no voice. The children. The elderly. Animals. The planet. And anyone on the planet who is suffering from injustices. She has found her voice and she knows how to use it. She is not ashamed of her trials because they’ve made her who she is today……..a strong, independent woman. I frequently say that I LOVE who I have become and I really do. My trials have been hell, they really have. I’ve had a LOT of “bad” days. I’ve had three relationships from hell. I made bad choices. But I have learned so much. And I have become the Warrior Woman.

And it’s all good. Nobody has to like me and it doesn’t matter anymore. While it’s great to have lots of friends, I’ve shown myself that I don’t need them. I can survive betrayal. I have come to enjoy my own company. It’s lovely liberation. I walk proud these days with my head held high. I still battle PTSD at times and last week I cried a river when my beloved cat passed away. I still freak out about financial issues. And every now and then I get triggered from all the past shit. But deep inside I know I’ve come this far, and I have survived this much and I know that I will be just fine.

I wish for all of you that you come to know just how strong you really are. That you understand that you do not need a man in your life to survive, and especially, not a man who disrespects you in any way, shape or form. I wish for all of you that you find your beautiful Warrior Goddess self.

This hangs on my bathroom mirror:

“Woman, I am calling to you

Come, Warrioress

Your Spirit cannot be broken,

Rise to your power, woman

You are Goddess Divine!! ”  (by Nirvani Teasley)

 

With Courage and love,

Olivia Rose

You can connect with me or send a donation via Pay Pal at Olivia.Rose2015@yahoo.com or on Facebook at :  https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Journey-of-Olivia-Rose/1632375906981319?fref=ts

Transformation

Something transformative is happening and I hope you are all feeling it as well. I am waking up to the truth of who I really am. I am waking up to truths about people around me. At times it’s exhilarating and at times it can be a little shocking as you see the true colors of people who you thought you knew (and you thought they cared about you). It’s been a very wild week, to say the least.

Since the narcissist/sociopath caused me to lose the majority of my friends and also many clients (and my current work has suffered greatly because of it and I am now having severe financial problems) , I am waking up to broader possibilities with my life.  Ever since I was married many, many years ago to an abusive man, I have wanted to help empower women. I guess it got put on the back burner until now (and it took me falling into two more abusive relationships). But now, as we are entering a new paradigm, a new era in our personal as well as collective history, I feel that the time has come to start speaking out and doing the work that my heart feels called to do. I’m not quite sure yet how it’s all going to manifest, but I have some ideas.

It takes a LOT of courage. Because I am realizing that at least two of the men who were abusive to me are still hoovering. One, with his family and the other with his friends. People think we’re crazy when we say we think they are still watching us, but, trust me, I know for a fact that they are. It carries some inherent danger. I know the last man did not like being outed as an abuser and so he did his best to destroy me……and he did destroy my reputation and my standing in the community to protect himself. What he didn’t know was that he did not destroy my spirit……..my spirit has only become stronger and stronger. I’ve also realized that certain family members have been extremely abusive to other family members (and to myself). How do you live in denial for the entirely of your life up until now? I did. But now I see it glaringly. So that’s another consideration, when you start speaking out from your heart and the people who were involved are still in your life. Courage. It takes courage. But, for me, right now, it feels good, it feels like the right thing to do.  (Please note, I would never suggest to anyone that you do anything that would put you into danger.) (And I also do not ever mention names or even the type of relationship it is/was.)

It has taken me a couple of years to arrive at this place of empowerment. I cannot explain what has happened but it has become easy for me to walk away from people who are not treating me respectfully. I walked away from two people last week who had been in my life for many, many years. At the same time though, God or the Universe, or whatever you prefer to call it, sends us good people. I met someone (also last week) who is so unbelievably kind that it blew my mind. I realized that I have gotten “used to” assholes. It shouldn’t be that way, we should never get “used to” being treated badly. We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity and kindness. It’s very simple for me now. If you have no respect for me, I walk away. And amazingly I haven’t really missed the ones I walked away from.

I am looking forward to doing work to empower women. All women but especially very young women who did not grow up in an environment where self worth was fostered. If I can help prevent one young woman from entering into an abusive relationship, then I have done my job. If I can empower one woman to take back her life and find her strength and courage AFTER an abusive relationship, then I have done my job.  I have been asking Mother/Father God to show me what the next step on this journey is.

Bless all of you who are exiting an abusive relationship, those who are trying to recover, those who are teaching and empowering other women. Bless you all. May you continue to be strong and shine bright as the beautiful lights that you are.

Olivia Rose

Connect with me at Olivia.Rose2015@yahoo.com If you feel moved to support my work, you can send a donation via pay pal to the above address. You can also connect with me on Facebook at  https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Journey-of-Olivia-Rose/1632375906981319?fref=ts

I Missed the Comments

I just wanted to make a quick apology to everyone who has commented on my blog posts. Some days are still a fog for me and somehow I did not see them, and hence, “approve” them until just now. So now all of your comments are there on the posts.

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your encouragement and also for letting me know that my words have touched you.

I try to encourage, uplift  and also write about the real experiences and the feelings I still encounter (a couple years after the fact) so that other women will know they are not alone. It can be a crazy, crazy ride and I am so grateful for all the people who have encouraged me and who still are encouraging me. Some days feel victorious and other days still feel defeated. It’s a process.

You can connect with me here: Olivia.Rose2015@yahoo.com , if you feel inspired to do so, you can also send a donation to help further my work at Pay Pal using this email address. You can also connect with me on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Journey-of-Olivia-Rose/1632375906981319?ref=hl

Many thanks and much love,

Olivia Rose

Scream it From the Rooftops: I am WORTHY

We’re taught to be “good girls”, “do as your told”……..if you grew up in a dysfunctional home, then the message is deep……your not good enough, not worthy, not pretty, not smart……..nothing is ever enough.  Never, never enough. So you grow up striving to please everyone. You meet a man who echos back to you what you heard in your youth. You don’t ever even realize that you’re intelligent, capable or attractive. And you just continue to strive to keep everyone happy, to please everyone until some massive life event makes you wake up.

My first wake up was ending my many year marriage. I made the decision while pinned to the wall with a butcher knife over my head. I was terrified, beyond terrified, to be on my own. Even though I had run a successful business, that I hated, I was still terrified. I had never heard anyone say, “You can do it”. I struggled with an anxiety disorder and PTSD even then. And THEN, I got away from him. I realized, much to my total amazement, that I was capable. I was intelligent. I was even attractive. I never knew these things before in my life.

I escaped the marriage but deep inside my self worth hadn’t changed. The messages from my youth and also my (ex) husband stayed with me. I still believed I was not good enough. Not good enough to find a man who would treat me with respect. It’s not something we realize on the surface, it’s buried deep inside of us. If we were fully aware of and could fix it, I know we would.

So, the years passed and I had various relationships with men who cheated, lied, took my money, wouldn’t commit, and left me high and dry with two children to take care of. One guy even cleaned out the house. He took the TV, stereo, and (game) Play Station. I had paid for all of it on my credit cards. I later filed for bankruptcy, $50,000 dollars in debt and a single mom. (My kids were about 8 and 15 at the time.)  Fortunately, none of these men were verbally or physically abusive to me. Even though I  their actions were extremely abusive. (“I’m sorry, I really do love you” as they were taking all my stuff. What the fuck.)

Then I met a man who seemed to be really awesome. He was good to me. Until a family tragedy struck and his mother decided to hate me and wanted me out of her son’s life. Even though, again, I was doing pretty well, paying most of the bills and the dude couldn’t AFFORD to live on his own. He turned from a sweet, kind soul into a monster. I was excluded at all family functions, including holidays. It didn’t bother him that I was home alone on holidays as long as his mother was happy. I was told point blank that I would never be allowed to be around his family and that he would NEVER “stand up for me” to his mother. I sat at home on countless Sundays while his family attended church and then had “family and friend brunches”.  I left that relationship 50 pounds thinner, sick  and an emotional wreck. Was it abusive? Yes. Emotionally very much so.

What was I thinking through all of this?

THEN, I met the icing on the cake of life. (And that’s absolute sarcasm.) He was/is a narcissist/sociopath. Again, it started great, as all relationships do. But soon, very soon, I started to notice big things that were highly inappropriate. I let them go. Why? Well, because that program was still running in my head that said I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t smart enough. I couldn’t tell “normal” from “inappropriate”. Maybe I was just too stupid to know how “real people” act in the “real world”. Within 18 months, I was left with nothing that I started with. In the many years since my divorce, I lost everything that I had built over those years, thanks to this man. I lost all my friends, my professional standing/reputation in the community and  my spiritual standing within the community. I was ostracized.  Why? (And it took me several years and some therapy to understand this.) Because he was a sociopath/narcissist and when I started to tell folks that he was abusive, he went  on an all out campaign to discredit me and make me look insane and abusive (to protect his OWN reputation). And he succeeded.

I was/am  financially ruined. My career was/is extremely damaged to the point that I’m not sure it can bounce back in this same city. I have very bad PTSD. I cannot afford any more therapy and I do not do well on the medicines that they normally prescribe for it. When you combine all these factors, it makes a dismal picture. I’m not sure what is next, thanks to this monster who came into my life and made it his job to ruin it. Literally.

This morning I was reflecting on my past. Because I’m trying to figure out what to do for my future. I’m not sure how the bills are even going to get paid this month. It starts with the ex husband. He never paid child support in the amount that the judge ordered because I was too “people pleasing” and I let it slide. He never paid any child support at all during my eldest’s last year in high school and none at all during my youngest’s high school years and now his college years. Yet, I see that he and his new wife live in a high end house, they send their child to private school and they take frequent vacations to other countries. Why? Because I didn’t have enough self worth to stand up for myself and my children. I look at the man who took all my stuff and left me $50,000 in debt. I am sure that there was some kind of criminal charge I could have filed against him too. He had no right to remove items from my home that I had paid for. But, again, I didn’t pursue it. . I look at the emotionally abusive man that came after all that and I realize I should have walked away as soon as he chose to exile me from his life. Instead I stayed and “tried to make it work” and almost became very ill myself from the stress. And THEN of course, came the narcissist/sociopath. I realize that this man was so smart and so clever that there was nothing I could have done except for ONE THING and that would have been to walk away INSTANTLY as soon as I saw my boundaries were being violated. He may have still went on a campaign to destroy me, I guess we will never know. But I’m quite sure that a lot of the damage would have been avoided if I had left him during month one or two rather than month 18.

Finally, I know who I am. I know what I deserve. I know that I am worthy of the best. I know that I deserve respect. I know that I am beautiful. I know that I deserve to be treated with kindness. I know that I deserve people who are honest and have integrity. I finally know now what I do not want. I know what I will not stand for. I know what the red flags are and I’m healthy enough to see them and RUN away when they present themselves. I no longer care if I do not “please” other people by continuing to be their doormat.Frankly, I don’t care who “likes” me or not.  This lesson was learned with much expense and sacrifice. I sit here, several years after the fact of the last Prince Harming and I STILL have not been able to rebuild my life. It’s been a very very high price to have to pay.

Many women who are in abusive relationships have the same issues that I did. They do not feel “good enough” or worthy. They grew up without affirmation that they were enough in every way: smart enough, strong enough, capable enough, pretty enough, good enough. Then when they met men who echoed the same things, they were used to it. They thought, that’s just the way it is. I must be “nice”. I mustn’t  rock the boat. I have to settle for anything I can get, since I’m not good enough to attract someone better.  I must keep all people happy. At the expense of my own soul and life with damage that extended even to the quality of life that my children lived. (They are adults now, but we’re still struggling with college expenses. With no help from “daddy”.)

No. No more. I am still alive to be able to tell you this: YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE ENOUGH IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY. PLEASE DO NOT LET A MAN OR ANYONE ELSE TELL YOU OTHERWISE. YOU DO NOT OWE THE WORLD SACRIFICES. YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT. YOU (AND YOUR CHILDREN) DESERVE TO HAVE WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS. RUN, don’t walk, AWAY FROM ANYONE WHO DOES NOT TREAT YOU WITH THE DIGNITY AND RESPECT THAT IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS.

I wish that I could teach this lesson to every young girl and young woman before they get to the place where they will allow a man to do it to them. I wish I could be the nurturing mother to these girls who never will hear these messages in their homes. I wish I knew at age 13 what I know now. But here’s the good news, the one ray of light, I will never, ever again repeat the same mistakes in choosing romantic partners and I hope you won’t either, no matter how much you think you “love” them. “Love” does not diminish or dismiss or disrespect you in any way at all.

Please share widely, especially if you know someone who may need to hear this message.

I love you~

Olivia Rose  https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Journey-of-Olivia-Rose/1632375906981319?ref=hl

If you find that my work is helpful and you would like to make a donation, you can send one via Pay Pal to: Olivia.Rose2015@yahoo.com.  Thank you. You can also contact me at this email or connect with me on Facebook.

You Deserve to Be Heard

Being in a relationship with a narcissist/sociopath changes you. I’d like to think that after all the deception, pain and betrayal that you change for the better.

One thing I know for sure is that you lose your tolerance for bullshit. You begin to recognize it instantly and you realize that you’ve been there, done that and that there is no room for it in your life anymore. You have boundaries that you never had before. And this is a GOOD thing.

Some people will try to tell you that you’re too “sensitive” or you need to “lighten up” or “let it go” and, if you notice, those are the SAME people who want to continue to tread on your newly found boundaries. And they want to get away with it. So your voice and your intolerance to being their door mat is something they don’t really like. (Ha. That’s putting it mildly.)

I have come to realize that I DESERVE to be treated with respect, courtesy and dignity. It doesn’t matter if someone agrees with me  OR NOT. It’s about manners. And too many people lack manners at all today. I don’t care if you don’t understand the pain that I am feeling. It doesn’t matter to me whether you care or understand what’s going on in my life (such as when a death occurs). I don’t care. I expect to be treated with respect regardless of how you see the situation or how you feel about it.

When someone experiences a great loss, such as a death, we use manners. Responses such as “Bummer” or “Let’s go have a drink and start a happy new week” or silence (ignoring the situation) are no longer acceptable to me. I expect to be heard and acknowledged. This means “I am sorry for your loss” (or something very similar)  is an acceptable response. I don’t really think that’s too much to ask. Of anyone. It’s not that hard.

Now, if that makes me a bitch, then so be it. If a person does not display common courtesy and respect, then they don’t need to be in my space. So maybe their response of  “bummer” is actually a gift to show me who they really are and how concerned they really are. People who openly act like assholes are much easier to weed out of your life.

Some may argue that some people “just don’t know what to say” and this is true. How do you respond to someone who has just had not one, but three, major losses? There is nothing to say. I know that. So you say, “I’m sorry.” You might throw in, “My love and prayers are with you.” But to say something like “Bummer”? Nope, sorry, unacceptable. Unless of course the person saying it has some kind of documented brain injury or a mentally incapacitating illness.

Hold tight to your boundaries. The narcissist/sociopathic relationship taught you what is not acceptable and what you will never tolerate ever again.

You deserved to be recognized. You have a right to have your feelings. You have a right to express them.

You do NOT deserve to be dismissed. You do not deserve to be ignored.

The narcissist/sociopath tried to teach you that you do not deserve to be treated with respect. They tried to teach you that you do not deserve to be heard. They tried to teach you that your feelings do not matter.

You do matter. Your feelings do matter. You do have the right to be heard. You do have the right to be treated with the utmost respect, by everyone that you come into contact with. And it is a given that you will come into contact with those who have no respect, no compassion, no time to hear you. And that’s OK, it’s their issue not yours. So just keep walking and don’t look back.

Olivia Rose https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Journey-of-Olivia-Rose/1632375906981319?ref=hl

Even the Clouds Cry

This is for all of you who wonder how long it takes to recover after a relationship with a sociopath/narcissist. I suppose it varies depending on the extent of the damage. Not only was I played, manipulated, set up, pitted against other people but also ostracized from the entire community I belonged to. It’s been a couple years and nothing has changed. I will never go back again after people have shown their true colors and made me  the target.

I struggled at first with the whole “I thought he loved me” thing and “how could he do this?” . I didn’t really struggle so much with the “I miss him” thing because while I guess I did miss some of the good times I definitely did not miss the bad times. (I accidentally just typed “mad” times That would fit too.) I think I had fallen out of love with him before the relationship actually officially ended and I was relieved not to have to be around him anymore and listen to him scream and curse at me.

I have struggled horrendously with the isolation, the ostracization. I have been so lonely at times.  I have struggled with the PTSD and depression and anxiety. I have struggled with the lack of work that was the direct result of being slandered and ostracized. (I was/am in a profession where your character REALLY matters.)

I have lost the ability to handle things that “normal” people can handle. I tend to go into a post traumatic stress or panic attack over the smallest things. In trying to figure out another “career” I’ve pondered if I could even work in a fast food joint. I don’t think I could. I can no longer adjust to any kind of pressure at all. Joe Shmoe would  order and then trying to fill his order for a Big Mac in a timely fashion probably would set off a panic. Yes, it’s that bad.

I’m sharing so other women who are going through this or have been through it will know they’re not alone.

I’m afraid to stay living here. I’m afraid to move away. I’m afraid I will be alone forever. I’m afraid of trying a new relationship (Really? What the hell?) . Most days, I am paralyzed by lethargy and the only things I can do are see clients (because it’s barely keeping the roof over my head) and take care of my cats (because they can’t feed themselves or change the litter box). Other than that, doing the dishes is a daunting task. Clearing the clutter is nearly impossible. It’s gotten to a sorry state. I’m sure I should be in therapy, but frankly, I cannot afford it. Some might say I should be on an antidepressant but I know they don’t work with my body and I get sick from them. So I rely on anti anxiety medication, blood pressure meds (for when the panic hits) and alcohol. Listening to myself as I write, I know I should get into a support group or look into what the local battered woman’s shelter can offer in the way of therapy. (That’s where I went initially) I sound like a mess. But I’m talking about bad days. Some days are good. And lately, the good days are more than the really bad days.

I’ve written on the good days and I’ve written on the bad days. Today is a bad day. I recently got a tattoo in honor of my new found strength but I’m not feeling it at all today. One of the reasons being that my kitty is getting ready to pass over. I adopted her 3 1/2 months ago, knowing she was elderly, severely neglected and sick. (And people who did this to her are assholes, which is why I seem to prefer felines to people these days.) I told myself it would be OK, that I would give her a good quality of life for her last days. And I did. But now that she’s getting ready to cross over……….there is immense pain coming out of me (thankfully she is not in pain). .It has me wondering if all the pain of the past several years is coming out as well. The fear comes along with it. All the fears. The ones I mentioned already. The fears of how I will pay rent this month. The fear of more loss and abandonment. The fear that maybe I’m just losing my mind and may never be happy again. The fear of remaining paralyzed forever in this mental state.

I tell myself it will be OK. And I know eventually that it will. Happiness will find me once again. And as this sweet little soul returns to the Creator/God/Goddess/Kitty Heaven, I know she will be just fine. I know this is just a bad day. I know that better days will come. I try not to cry too much as it swells up my face and closes down my sinuses and I lose all control. Like a damn that finally breaks.

This is the damage that having been with a narcissist/sociopath does. It’s real. It takes time to heal. Our scars make the bad days even harder to handle, no matter how capable we may seem on the outside. I want to believe that one day life will be “normal” again. That simple things won’t set off bouts of panic and post traumatic stress. Losing a beloved pet is painful for everyone but for someone who has already been traumatized, has very little support systems it can be a major challenge.

Sometimes I ask myself if it really does all have to do with being in a sociopathic relationship. (Because they’ve so conditioned us to think that WE are the ones at fault and WE are the ones who are crazy.)  And the answer is a resounding YES. I did not emerge the same person I was when I went in. Granted, in many ways, I am stronger but on the other hand there is an array of things about me that weren’t there before I met Mr. Douche Bag. I was in a very long term marriage that was abusive and I emerged with a little post traumatic stress but not nearly the level I have now after being with a narcissist sociopath. I would never, ever minimize domestic violence, it is horrendous but there is a difference between abuse and abuse PLUS having your entire way of life destroyed. It’s a double whammy for sure.

So, sometimes it’s one day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. And sometimes one second at a time. Stay in the moment. As a friend said to me, sometimes all you can do is hang on and tell yourself you’ll worry about it tomorrow. And remember that sometimes even the clouds cry but eventually the sun comes out again.

Blessings great and small,

Olivia Rose

The “F*ck Offs” You Never Said

I haven’t written anything recently. I need to get back to it because I know that the writing and sharing as well as reading what others share is very therapeutic. Sometimes it is discouraging because nothing seems to change and I wonder how long it really does take to recover from being in a relationship with a narcissist/sociopath. I’ve come to realize that while all domestic violence is horrible, there is something even more sinister and disabling about the narcissist/sociopath. One might wonder how they differ. All I can say is in previous abusive relationships, I escaped with my life and my friends/acquaintances still with me. When I used the “Get Out of Hell” card with the narcissist/sociopath, I was left with nothing. No friends. No reputation. No standing in the community. He impacted every part of my life that he possibly could, in every negative way that he possibly could. The reason why? So people wouldn’t think he was abusive. It took me a really long time to understand (because “normal” minds don’t think this way) that it was a HUGE set up. He made me out to be insane, abusive, crazy and  violent to protect himself.When in actuality, he was the abuser. I remember once he told me that he never hit his (one) ex girlfriend even when she “appeared in a public place that I told her not to come to”. Funny boy. Big balls you have telling people where they may or may not appear in public places and WOW upon WOW………you didn’t “hit” her for it.(How very fucking chivalrous of you? NOT.)    Funny how things work out, though;  his friends may still believe in him, his employer, however, did NOT. (Karma is a bitch but only if you are.)  He is still playing the victim several years later. Some things will never change. If it aint’ me, then it’s the job, then it’s the homeowners association………poor boy, somebody is ALWAYS “attacking” him.

When I think about the friends I lost, I realize that I lost about 98% of them directly because of his lies and the other 2% because I changed. I don’t view people and the world the same way. I have no place in my heart or mind for people who lack compassion at all. I think I recently lost two more friends who had been there for years. I just find I have no tolerance for bullshit. One slammed someone for their success. I asked, “Why can’t we just be happy when people succeed instead of being jealous and back biting?” Hmmm. Maybe that wasn’t the response they were looking for. With another, she criticized my love for animals, in a very nasty way. I couldn’t quite figure out how my personal preferences or how I choose to live had any impact at all on her and instead of blowing it off, I replied “My pets are more loyal than people”. Quite honest but again, not the response she was looking for. So I didn’t hear from her again…..a friendship that had spanned 30 plus years.

People who have watched you be a door mat for many years aren’t quite prepared when you STOP acting like one and you acquire a voice and an opinion that doesn’t coddle theirs.

I’ve written before about asking myself if I really am just an asshole because I can’t seem to move forward or keep friends anymore. And someone said the most amazing thing to me. They said, “You’re not an asshole. But what if you are? So what? Say what you feel. Live your life the way you need to and if people don’t like it, so what?” And I thought, “Yeah….really……so what.”  I also recently found something that really jumped out at me. It was a quote and it said something to the effect of “The ‘fuck yous’ you didn’t say are the ones you most regret.”  Absofuckinglutely. So I guess the “friends” that I’m stopping in their tracks when they try to bash me or someone close to me are actually the “fuck yous” that I AM saying now. And you know what? It’s ok. It’s good. And I DO regret the ones I didn’t say in the past.

I’ve lived my last few years in hiding. So afraid that “they” might find what I have to say. I lived in fear after being told to shut up and stop writing. Well, here goes. To anyone who might be reading this and sharing it, and recognizing who I am:  a big FUCK YOU. Yeah you heard me, FUCK YOU.  You’re an imbecile for blindly following the masses (the assses). Oh, wait. Maybe you’re not an imbecile but maybe you just don’t have one tiny ounce of self esteem to do what you know in your heart is the RIGHT thing and you have to do what keeps you popular because God forbid that YOU might have to start YOUR life all over again with no friends, no career and no reputation. Right? And furthermore, you’re despicable for protecting a man and continuing to stand by him when you KNOW that he is an abusive human being. He was abusive to me. Very much so and you knew it. You saw it. So much so that I still have massive post traumatic stress. So much so that when he got fired, his boss cleared the entire office because the staff was “afraid” of him. Really? Yes, really. He actually told me the story as if I might have sympathy for him.  But I know what happened between you and him. It’s always the “victim” story that he feeds you,  and like someone who absolutely lacks the capacity to think for themselves, you eat it up. Poor, poor misunderstood, attacked, hurt boy. Until you question something that he wants you to stay quiet about and then you’ll get attacked. (So, yeah, you better not piss him off or rock the boat.)  So. As of right now, I don’t feel sorry for you but I feel disdain that you can’t think for yourself. But whatever, it’s your life. It’s kind of pathetic. No, not “kind of”, it IS pathetic.

Damn, you know, until I started writing this piece I was feeling like a loser. Depressed. (Yes, depressed, no doubt.) An asshole, perhaps. (Not) With no life. (No, there’s a LOT of life in front of me.) And you know what? I realize I am none of those things (except maybe depressed). And I realize that I am not a pathetic sheep who blindly has chosen to follow a group, a man, or anything that insults my soul. And in that, there is great strength. I was willing to speak MY TRUTH, to live MY TRUTH, to WALK my TRUTH……and with it was great cost…….ostracization, great harm to my career, great harm to my own self esteem (which really should be at an all time HIGH) and a lot of loneliness. But you know what? The people who are in my world NOW are real. They don’t fall for the bullshit of needing to be accepted and popular. Damn, reminds me of high school. I had friends but I didn’t do all the stuff that I didn’t feel called to do just to be “popular”.  I realize now that there aren’t that many like me. Like us. Those who have walked through the fire and emerged, albeit, different, but we survived. And not only did we survive but we continue to do so and we know that better days lie ahead of us. And we’ve become TRUE champions for justice and for the underdog. We see the world with new eyes. Eyes that are not so quick to judge. Eyes that see real pain. Eyes that see compassion. And with it has comes a total intolerance for bullshit, hypocrisy, ignorance, hate and the “need” to adapt to convention. Whether it be the convention of the world or the convention of your particular clique. Part of me wants to say, “Grow the fuck up” but another part of me says, “Who cares. Keep playing small and pleasing those in your immediate circle. Stay popular.” You think you have real friends, but you don’t. You have a clique  that you belong to. I outgrew that shit in high school.

So, here we are again, ladies. Those of you who have been a “true” victim to a narcissist/sociopath, hold your head high. Know that you’ve walked through the fires of which some don’t survive. (God rest their souls in peace.) But you’re still here, you’re still kicking. So get out there, start to live again. Be yourself in all your glorious wonder. All your glorious FUCKING wonder. You are stardust and shine.  Know that the ones who will love you for who you are WILL SHOW UP. They will. I promise. I am still waiting……….but I know I need to put myself out there a little more. I know I don’t suck. I know I am not an asshole. …….I am one who has discovered boundaries. ………..Know that you are a WARRIOR. You’ve passed the initiation of the ultimate of abuse. Life will eventually go on. It will never be the same…….but this is a GOOD thing, but life will go on. You have learned the greatest lesson ever. NOT all human beings care, they are not all good. Evil, does indeed, exist. Never again will you let someone abuse and use you and then throw you under the bus when you reveal the truth about them. When you meet a person like this again, TRUST ME, you won’t get much farther than past “Hello”.

Sisters, keep fighting the good fight. I know it’s not easy. It’s not easy for me yet and it’s been several years. But keep on shining. Don’t let the assholes dull your shine. Keep on keeping on. Know that you are loved beyond measure by the Creator and by me. It will be OK. Eventually it will be OK. Hold on to this thought. And Happy Anniversary, Asshole. A few years ago around this time, I got played my “Get Out of Hell” card. It definitely wasn’t “Get Out of Hell Free”………I have paid the price. A very high price. But I still have my integrity. AND,  I don’t have your sorry middle aged, unemployed ass (Karma’s a bitch) and your crew of flying monkeys  to drag around with me anymore.

Can I get an “Amen. Hallelujah”, anyone?

Much love,

Olivia Rose             https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100008896532578