Moving Forward in the Aftermath of Ruin

It’s time to get on with it. Time to walk through the fear, the pounding heart, the “what ifs”. For the past several years, I went into hiding. My work has suffered greatly. because of the sociopathic relationship I was in and his band of enablers (flying monkeys), I was attacked, slandered, ridiculed. (To the point I called police about the threats.)  At one point, I tried “coming back out” only to find that his people were still massively hostile towards me and took the first chance they had to slander me and talk their crap about the work I do. It’s been a LOT of anger to work through. I spent years building a career based on character and reputation. After this man came along, it was gone. I lost many clients who were associated with him. I lost an entire community of people…….people who used to come to me for my services and send me referrals….it’s all GONE.

Today I sit here and I’m at a crisis point. I’m out of money. I’m in a bit of a panic. I realize there is a lot of anger inside me because of him and all the opportunities he ruined for me. (He ruined A LOT. And what makes it worse is how he casually admits to me, “Yeah, I know you were ostracized”…….he ADMITS it and doesn’t care.)  I find I can’t even talk about this outside the circles that understand the whole narcissism/sociopath thing because talking to people who’ve been in “normal” relationships (even ones gone bad) cannot comprehend the damage that has taken place. If there were a legal recourse I could take against him, I would, but I know it’s not possible because of how underhanded he did everything and how well he got his flying monkeys to play into it.

I feel FURIOUS today. FURIOUS. Sometimes I wonder if the anger ever does go away.

But I have decided to put it all back out there again. I just ordered new business cards. I updated my work pages and other social media pages. And I DARE someone to make a negative comment about me. Because the day comes (and it finally has, maybe fueled by the fact that I no longer have enough work or money) when you stop hiding. You decide you have to SHINE again. You have to stop hiding your light and who you are because you are fearful of attack. I know it’s not easy, I have PTSD. But I can’t be kept in a prison of fear from this sick individual and all his friends and the community they associate with. I had removed every reference to my work, my contact information, everything because of FEAR of him. I have to get back to the days where I did what I had to do despite the fear. When I got divorced many many years ago, I did it knowing that he might try to kill me or him. It was serious. But I did it. Lost 40 pounds in the process, but I did it. And I don’t think this more recent sociopath would try to physically harm me (but I guess you never know) but he certainly has done tremendous damage discrediting me to the point it’s nearly ruined me financially.

I KNOW who I am. I am a good person. I am compassionate. I care about other people. I know that when it comes to my work, I am EXCELLENT at what I do. And it’s time to “feel the fear and do it anyway” as Susan Jeffers would say. I want to stand on the top of a mountain and scream “FUCK YOU” to Mr. Toxic Waste and all his flying fucking monkeys. But I won’t, I will just get on with my life and get back to work  and make myself into a success again. They say living well is the best revenge.

Ladies, if you are in a situation where you may be physically harmed, please take the proper precautions. I want you to stay safe. But for those of you who have been made to feel like you’re some kind of trash just because you got involved with someone with a black soul………please know……….their darkness was not a reflection of who you are. You were fooled, duped into thinking they were Mr Wonderful and when you found out they weren’t , they set out to destroy you in whatever way they could to protect their wonderful reputation.

I want you to remember you are NOT trash. You are not an asshole. (This seems to be my motto, maybe because I was made to feel that way so many times.) You are a wonderful, amazing woman with much to offer to the world. Please don’t let a sick socio-fuck (pardon my language today) keep you hiding under a barrel. Please let your light start to shine again. The people who love you, will stand by you, the ignorant ones will fall away. PLEASE don’t let them steal your dreams or put out your light. My light has been out for more than a couple years……..it’s TIME To turn it back on again. (As I reflect, I think what a shame that he put me out of commission for so long, but I guess it’s all a process and judging that process serves no good purpose. We do what we can do in the moment.)  Call on your Higher Powers (however you conceive them to be) to help you. Use affirmations. Listen to positive videos. Read empowering books. Don’t let yourself get sucked into the muddy pit of the black soul of the sociopath.

You are amazing. You are wonderful. You are capable. You are compassionate. You are strong. You are powerful. You are beautiful. You are loving. You are kind. You are uniquely you.

I am strong. I am strong. I am strong. You are strong. You are strong. You are strong.

We will succeed.

The Bruno Mars song seems appropriate right about now. Let the words sink in. And believe them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUkgKFfIBJ0   “You are amazing just the way you are!”

In strength and love,

Olivia

https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Journey-of-Olivia-Rose/1632375906981319?ref=hl

Desperation Is a STINKY Perfume

One of the  biggest lessons I’ve had to learn is this: Never make decisions based from desperation.

It’s a theme that the Universe keeps bringing back into my face and I’d like to say, I think I finally “got” it. (Let’s hope so.) When you make a decision from a place of desperation……being desperate…..thinking there is no other way or no other hope, it usually ALWAYS turns out badly. Maybe there are some exceptions, but for me, it always turned out BAD BAD BAD.

I settled when I got married. I thought marriage was better than other options in my life at the time. WRONG.

Early into my marriage, I took a job that I hated…….the people were awful…….it’s been 25 years and I still think of them with regret. What was I thinking? “Where else can I get a job for this measly amount of money with people who treat me like shit?” I am SURE there were many other options.

Then I stayed with the husband for nearly 20 years. He was abusive. Was it desperation that kept me with him? Did I think I couldn’t survive on my own? Was it guilt?

Finally I broke free from marriage and I started a new career.  (Yay me!! But many lessons were still to follow!!)

After my divorce, I continued the pattern of making choices from desperation but it was getting better…..at least I wasn’t choosing or staying at jobs that I hated. I was learning to have faith. Little did I know, this faith was going to take almost another 20 years to come to full fruition.

My problem was I kept choosing men who were not good for me. Because I was desperate. I was lonely. There was the one who drank and cheated and left me in huge debt. There was the one who had a personal ad the whole time he was dating me and he was “screening” and dating other women, looking for “the one”. There was the guy who wanted a lifestyle of kink and domination (a way I refused to live) who also was involved with other women while seeing me. I even made a long distance move for a man who wouldn’t commit to me, never told me he loved me, and after 5 months, ended the relationship (after I’d given up everything I owned to move). At this point, one might ask, “Didn’t she learn yet??”

No, unfortunately I hadn’t. I kept making bad decisions. The next prince I chose really did seem at first like a super nice guy and people thought I “had done good”. But what they didn’t know was that he didn’t own a car and spent LOTS of money each month on his happy herb supply that went up in smoke.  We were happy for awhile till his mama decided to hate me and that was the end of that……because I didn’t know he was a mama’s boy and had no mind of his own………and I didn’t take too well to being excluded from all family activities and holidays and being blatantly told I was not welcome. The next guy was sweet but I raced into it again, being lonely, wanting a companion. At first he was handsome and fun and silly but soon it became apparent that he didn’t have respect for me…..he was rude in front of family and friends. What do you say to your parents when your boyfriend walks across their living room passing gas with each step he takes………? Yeah. Tell me again why I needed to stay with these two? (Areyoufuckingkiddingme?)  Afraid to be alone? Afraid no one else would want me?

The last one was the icing on my cake. People said he was super duper nice. Mr. Wonderful. Give you the shirt off his back kind of guy. We were introduced by mutual friends. How could it go wrong? Well, right away, it did. And it went from a little wrong to totally destroying my life by the time we were done. He was a narcissist with sociopathic tendencies that put me back into therapy. I saw red flags almost from day one. But he had an excuse for everything, namely that this is “how people act” and “where have you been” and “we’re just having fun, it doesn’t mean anything.” My cue to walk out the door (and it’s funny, we can all define that ONE moment) was when we were in a bar with all HIS friends and he was all cuddled up with another woman, so cuddled up, in fact, that other (strangers) men were hitting on me and asking to buy me drinks. I appeared to be in the bar alone. Now THAT was my cue to call a cab and go home. And never look back or come back.

BUT. Instead I had a conversation with myself that I had over this man many times. I said, “What if this is as good as it gets?”  “What if there is no one else out there that I can be compatible with?” He said he wanted to marry me. I believed him. But his actions weren’t loving and I knew that. Yet, I stayed for nearly 2 years. I kept saying, “I can do this, I can do this” like the Little Engine That Could. (A children’s fable.) And yet, I was becoming desperately unhappy, I was almost sick, I had constant anxiety and panic attacks. His rages and name calling made me fear for my physical safety, not to mention my emotional and mental health. Finally, after being emotionally dragged through the mud, having my career damaged and my reputation ruined and being ostracized from the community, I ended the relationship with Mr. Toxic Waste. Why did I stay so long? Did I think I would never find anyone better than him? (ohmygod!!)

During the same time frame, I had some very wealthy clients who I saw frequently. The husband was extremely rude to me, ungrateful and refused to pay the full price for the service I provide. His rational was that even though he was a mega multi millionaire, he should have a discount for the frequency in which I saw him and his wife. I dealt with this for six years (almost to the day). Until one day, as per his usual self, he had a tantrum because I was 2 minutes late. (This was not the first time it happened.) And we had a dispute about what time our appointment was. I had had enough. I told him I must have dreamed up the time he told me to be there. He became furious and literally threw me out of his home. I never went back. Why did I put up with it for six years? Because I thought I couldn’t find other clients? Because I thought I had to put up with is abuse to earn money?

I guess things come to a head because during this same time period, I ended my relationship with a childhood friend as well. She choose to side with the abusive ex. She told me that I was a bitch and inferred that I deserved what happened to me. In retrospect, I realized she had always had a mean streak and insulted me whenever she thought she could get away with it. I was patient and kind to her because she had a pretty big weight problem and I knew she had some issues with her self esteem. So I allowed the insults……….because………why? If I didn’t, I might not have a friend to hang around with?

The theme was always the same. I thought I wasn’t good enough to find better jobs or a man who would treat me right. Or friends who were respectful and supportive.  My decisions were based on desperation. I was desperate for money. Or desperate for a companion. Or desperate not to be alone. DESPERATION. And being desperate stems from a huge lack of self esteem. Of thinking that you do not deserve better!!!! Of thinking that you have to put up with SHIT.

Desperation makes a very stinky perfume. I heard that line in a movie but I can’t remember what movie it was. But it stuck in my head. I think desperation emanates off of us and it attracts characters who can sense it and who will take advantage of us. Desperation smells like shit and literally attracts shit into your life. Like dog poop attracts flies.

It’s vital to find your self esteem. You are the Queen. The Goddess. The Warrior. You deserve the best. You deserve your own love and respect and when you love and respect yourself, you will not accept less from anyone else. Make your choices from a place of what is BEST for you, what makes you HAPPY and what builds you up instead of diminishes you. When you start to do this, you have to have faith that the Universe/God will take care of you. You will have what you need. And you will find happiness.

Here’s to healthy choices,

Olivia

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